The real issue in conflict is never about things…

In my research on conflict as it relates to ethics, I came across the theory of psychologist Alfred Adler.
Adler’s theory on conflict is this. The real issue in all human conflict is never about things, but always about respect. As I studied this and reflect on it, the more sense it made. Take any “conflict” and deep down, respect is the issue.
Adler identifies nine issues of respect:
1. My right to decide is being weakened.
2. My right to control is being jeopardized.
3. My judgment and my ideas are not being considered here.
4. My prestige and my status are being questioned.
5. My feelings don’t count here.
6. I feel unfairly treated.
7. I feel defeated.
8. I feel powerless.
9. I feel inferior.
It is crucial that people get to the real issue in order to more peacefully resolve the conflict. It could be as simple as asking the right question, after a period of “calming down” as emotions can “muddle” the issue and process.
The question to ask to find the right issue is: What can we do to make sure that..
For example:
What can we do make sure that your right to decided is not being threatened?
What can we do to make sure that your right to control is not being jeopardized?
Then you decide if the response is acceptable, if so do it. If the answer is not acceptable for whatever rational reason, Say “I can understand why….but in my role, I can’t do this, but how about we agree to do …. Then you go back and forth until a compromise is met.
This is a simplification of the process but it just might give us deep insight to consider to include in our ethics training programming.